Looks like CNN decided to do a story on how nice guys finish last. The author talks about (what should be) common knowledge about how women don’t like guys who are too nice. She interviews a “dating coach” (aka PUA), then talks to Neil Strauss, the former PUA-evangelist, then she talks to Robert Glover, who wrote the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”
You all know my thoughts on PUA. But what makes this article disappointing was that the author lumped PUA, a beta strategy for guys who have no empathy, with Robert Glover, who wrote a book expressing the simple idea that men need to stand up for themselves. If you read what the first PUA says, he’s basically saying that it’s okay to be a jerk:
“Girls might say they want a nice guy, but what they really want is the cool guy,” said Arthur Malov, founder of New York Dating Coach, a relationship consulting agency with primarily male clients. “A jerk is rarely so bad that no one wants to hook up with him.”
Among the PUA’s we’ve seen on the blogosphere, we’ve seen guys who harass women, urge other guys to ignore it when a woman says no, lie, neg, etc. At least they’re consistent. Glover, on the other hand, says nothing of the kind. His whole book was about putting your needs first–in order to become more honest with yourself and those around you.
The tragedy of the article is that the prescriptions for male empowerment by guys like Robert Glover get lumped in with the bad. Glover isn’t saying to be a jerk. He’s saying that men need to find out who they really are and shouldn’t mold themselves according to the wishes of other people. I think this is a great prescription for men and a much needed solution for Asian American men. Know thyself. It’s too bad the author lumps Glover’s work in the same category as the selfish, egotistical, and usually disingenuous strategy known as PUA. The article presents almost an all-or-nothing approach to male empowerment–either act like a peacocking jerk or be a doormat.
Know thyself. These two words deserve another look. It’s not just an idea for empowerment; it’s a necessary step.
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But here is an...
I agree with everything you said. About #1…I think...
Why do we need marketing strategists and money-hungry people to tell us common sense stuff like “be yourself.” If I had known that I could market my philosophy of knowing yourself first, I’d be an f-ing millionaire. I should have copyrighted my high school philosophy.
Think of it like this:
We all know we need to work out and many times we do but we do it half assed. Working with a trainer or friend keeps you motivated because they keep pushing you when you get tired.
Why is it these personal trainers never go out of business? It’s because people know that they will slack off if they’re not constantly pushed to do the task.
The PUAs are probably the same but since Asian men refuse to help each other or even ridicule their own, the PUA program seems very attractive to them. How many times have Asian men themselves, who are afraid to be lumped into the “whiny Asian boy” crowd, ridiculed anyone who talks about the interracial dating issue?
P2H,
“Just do it!” also sells pretty big. Look at all those self-help teachers. That’s the basic message of most of them. (Although I REALLY like Tony Robbins. His thought processes and arguments make lots of sense.)
And yes, I should’ve done something with that too. We’d both be millionaires!
urban,
We work out because it improves our health. It improves our minds. The president works out an hour a day. Mr. Iyengar does yoga in his old age. If you don’t get exercise, you’ll die young. You’ll look fat. You won’t have the clarity of mind possessed by someone more fit.
Now urban, are you telling us that teaching men to neg and peacock is similar to teaching men to take care of their bodies and fitness? I think there’s a slight difference in quality and need. There are tons of guys I respect who have personal trainers. With the exception of the guys from the former Fallout Central, I don’t think I know any guy at all who hires a dating coach.
Let me ask you this too–why can’t these Asian men just do what you do? Obviously you seem successful, and I doubt you neg, peacock, kino, and AMOG. Actually, unless you’ve read The Game, like most successful guys you probably don’t even know what those terms mean.