The latest blog post at RiceDaddies from Daddy in a Strange Land talks about Secret Identities and the promotional events in LA. Check it out here. As I mentioned a couple days ago, I have a podcast coming up with Jimmy Aquino, who is one of the writers for Secret Identities. We recorded last night, and I expect to post that cast on Monday.
In his blog entry, Daddy in a Strange Land also linked a blog post that linked back to RD, a new blog called Double X (for the chromosomes). This blog post is fascinating. In the post, Hanna Rosin argues that we need fewer daddy posts, rather than more. She then quotes an equally fascinating Atlantic article by Caitlin Flanagan:
The men who cave to the pressure to become more feminine—putting little notes in the lunch boxes, sweeping up after snack time, the whole bit—may delight their wives but they probably don’t improve their sex lives much, owing to the thorny old problem of la difference. I might be quietly thrilled if my husband decided to forgo his weekly tennis game so that he could alphabetize the spices and scrub the lazy Susan, but I would hardly consider it an erotic gesture.
I’ve blogged about my own House Daddy work before, and I think it’s important for Stay At Home Dads to communicate with each other through blogging or other means, but I do see Rosin’s and Flanagan’s point about there being something not-so-enthralling about a guy who is caught up in a cycle of diapers, feedings, and packing lunches. I don’t know if it’s our gender stereotypes or if it’s our nature.
What do you think? Can a full time Rice Daddy be a full time Rice Stud?
Related posts:
I agree with everything you said. About #1…I think...
8(
I’m not sure I find a housewife home doing nothing but cooking, cleaning, and changing diapers all that sexy either… Why the extremes? Why not a stay-at-home Dad who is *working* from home? He’s working on a book, logging into the office remotely, managing the family’s stock portfolio, etc.
Oh my. Apparently Hanna Rosin never had an alcoholic shithead who never lifted a finger to help out with child rearing as a spouse. In fact, we could actually use FEWER bloggers who spout off opinions that stem from too much privilege and lack of life experience. For the record, the said male spouse who did not help out around the house? He didn’t get any sex for two and 1/2 years and was served divorce papers.
Yeah, this is what we need… other women telling our partners that it’s not sexy to help us out. Puhleeze.
I wouldn’t consider myself a “house daddy” as I work full time, but you bet your ass I do everything I can to help out when I get home. Personally, I view anything I can do as time well spent. Particularly when it comes to my daughter and helping out with caring for her – that’s bonding time.
The interesting thought to me is what’s the impact of a father who is more ‘feminine’ in his realtionships with his kids and what do they learn from him that is different than a child from a more “traditional” family where the man is more masculine? Particularly as it relates to psychological impact of traits that are deemed more ‘masculine’? Is it better or worse for the child? I’m not sure I’ve ever read anything relating to that impact before.
As to your question about ‘can a full time rice daddy be a full time rice stud?” Sure! why not? I think it works the same way for men and women. To Akrypti’s point, if the housework/changings/feedings encompass your life en totem, then you might be headed toward the realm of ‘un-sexy’ but if there’s balance in the other areas of your life, then I think you can pass that balance on to your kids and they’ll be all the better for the lessons.
“For the record, the said male spouse who did not help out around the house? He didn’t get any sex for two and 1/2 years and was served divorce papers.”
MamaNabi,
Two and 1/2 years? That made me laugh so hard that I almost had milk and cereal coming out my nose. No wonder JackD was fighting so hard over those guns!
MN/Akrypti:
So I spoke with MamaWOWO, and she agrees with the both of you, which I guess is good for a domesticated dude like me.
Robert,
When we gonna do the parenting podcast?
A guy who just stands there and looks pretty will be pretty for about 5 minutes. As the quality of habitability deteriorates around him and he’s still standing there, man-prettiness will be put into the shadows of house-messiness.
Ultimately, the goal is to strike equality. I don’t mean if I make $100, he has to make $100; if I wash the dishes on Monday, he has to do it on Tuesday. I mean both parties need to shoulder an equivalent portion of the family obligations.
Man or woman, if it is a single-income home, then the one not earning should be doing most of the house chores, not letting the house go to chaos or spending more of the earner’s money by hiring a nanny and a maid and a cook. If it happens that it’s the woman who is out earning six figures and working long hours, and the man is home nursing the babies, cooking, and cleaning, then I would hardly find that “unsexy,” but rather it becomes a necessity. If he doesn’t cook and clean, what shall he do then; do nothing but watch football games and UFC all day long? Oh. That’s so much sexier to us women.
If both parties are bringing home the bacon, then once home, both parties should be expected to do dishes, scrub the toilet and tub, vacuum, do the laundry, etc. in equivalent portions. And that’s all there is to it. In fact, that’s the key. Reciprocity. There’s nothing “feminine” about a man who is forgoing the tennis match to alphabetize the spices when the woman, who also works 40+ hours a week, is forgoing lunch with the ladies to mow the lawn.
Um… also, can I have a cuter looking icon? Why is mine so goofy?
Akrypti:
That icon stuff is totally random. Hmm. You can log in with a different IP, or you can choose your own icon at gravatar.com.
Let me ask this. You go on a date with a guy. His goal in life is to be a house husband. He doesn’t care about money, doesn’t care about making a name for himself, just wants to stay home, start a family, and have lots of kids. You get the feeling that he’ll do it all–cleaning, feeding, diaper-changing, and even decoration. He won’t have a career, but he’ll support yours.
Attractive or not? (No right answers, just curious.)
“Have lots of kids”? Is he planning on carrying these kids around in *his* uterus? If I’m the only one making money and my career is a lifeline, then I can’t be running around pregnant all the time. That’s a serious damper in the professional world. And that’s another can of worms right there.
Unattractive. To the men who want that and the women who want such men, more power to them. For me, it’s a no deal. He needs to be my equal, not my handmaiden.
Amazing. That’s more or less exactly what Ms. WOWO said.
On the flip side, I probably wouldn’t be so attracted to a woman with zero aspirations either. I think that kind of relationship is passe these days.
Funny. My ex actually proposed this. That I pop out another kid, he stays home, I go corporate for more hours and more pay.
To be honest, until my daughter was born, I considered it. Perhaps because he wasn’t that sexy to begin with but it didn’t do anything for the sex appeal, i.e. it neither decreased nor increased. It just made more sense because of our educational background, my two degrees vs his no degree.
When he dared to bring it up – I’m guessing not because he thought he wanted another kid but because he hadn’t been getting sex for two and 1/2 years – I told him that due to his lack of help and support around the house despite the fact that I worked full time and he only worked 20 some hours, he no longer appealed to me as a sexual being, hence no more kids. Ever.
Obviously, I don’t believe in gender divide in housework vs. outside work. I never realized how sexy it is to see a man participate in child rearing until I became a mother.
Besides, if the man doesn’t help out around the house, the woman’s not going to have any energy left to have or want to have sex with him. Simple as that.
If he was failing as a father while sharing the duties with you, I wonder why he would think he’d do a better job with you working more hours? And then to propose having another kid because he wasn’t getting it? Wow.
Just to make sure I’m clear, I agree with Mama Nabi. There are few things more repulsive to me than a man who refuses to help with household chores. All I’m saying is I don’t want a man who thinks his life can be complete from riding on my coattails. He needs to have ambitions and goals and pursuits of his own.
Okay, I’ve never been married before, so I apologize if I sound callous. And I know I’m gonna get in serious trouble for this, but Mama Nabi, if you don’t mind me asking, why the heck did you marry such an asshole in the first place?
Oh, no, he wasn’t an asshole when we were dating. I mean, I’m sure he was – but he really wanted to be married. So he did his part around the house. It was only during pregnancy he showed his true self – he even said something like, “What are you going to do, divorce me? We have a kid together.” We were married for 5 years. He was only an asshole for the last 3 years of it. He decided that once we had a child together, he no longer had to try to impress me. That’s when I also found out that we had completely different political views – he had even lied about that. I’m not saying that I might have ignored a few signs… but he did outright lie to me about his expectations of a good marriage. Once a child is born, he believed that it’s the mother’s job to do everything for the child PLUS all the other household chores.
MN:
“What are you going to do, divorce me? We have a kid together.”
Oh my! Well, I guess the answer was yes. My, my, my. Do you remember “An Officer and A Gentleman” where the commanding officer warns the troops about women who take advantage of officers by trying to have babies? This is the role reversal. Either JackD is progressive, or he’s a goof. Hahaha!
Thanks to D, who sent this:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-467390/Househusband-backlash-high-flying-wives-ditch-men-em-em-wanted-stay-home.html
Man, that is some scary stuff. I think this is one of those issues that no one can foresee.