Bully defense lessons in Hillsboro, OR
(Picture from oregonlive.com)
I had always thought that I’d be the parent who would advocate strong physicality as a means to empower children. I figured I’d be much like Metrodad’s post, inculcating tough personalities in my kids, a no back down kind of mentality that emphasizes physical prowess as a means to solve schoolyard issues. It’s a particularly relevant issue to our culture, since schoolyard violence is almost a rite of passage among young Asian American boys (and sometimes girls). I figured I’d be teaching my kid to fight back. Fight the bully. Fight the system.
Now that I have kids, I’m finding that I put almost no emphasis on fighting. Granted, my oldest is only 2.5, but even so, I find myself putting a larger emphasis on collaboration and getting along. Maybe it’s because violence was such a big part of my life in elementary school that I don’t want it to be a part of my kids’ lives. Constant violence causes defensiveness, which makes the mind stiff.
Still, there’s a good argument to be made for Metrodad’s approach, and I’m not so convinced that a pure emphasis on collaboration is necessarily a good thing. You don’t want your kids to become pushovers, nor do you want them to become weak. As evidenced in the whole Miley Cyrus racial incident, racism against Asian Americans is still evident among young people. These are issues that kids and adults should not accept without a fight, and if kids don’t learn to stand up for themselves when they are young, when will they learn?
If you are either a parent or an activist, what do you think about this? How would you raise your kids? Feel free to drop your comments here. We will have a podcast on the same issue, probably next week. If you are interested in participating in the podcast, let me know.
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But here is an...
I agree with everything you said. About #1…I think...
B,
I don’t have kids, but my dad always told me you have to fight sometimes. Kids will be kids and they will mock what they see around them and on TV. Since the media has never been neutral to us nor are ever in our favor, Asian kids in the school yard will continue to be bullied and mocked. I think collaboration does work, just not at the elementary level of school. I think this is the stage where they are still learning to socialize and get along with other kids of different backgrounds. I don’t think they can conceptualize racism intellectually. So I guess all you have left are your two hands and two feet.
But if I did have kids, I would think the best route for me would be to tell them they need to be strong and give them the best answers to their questions. “If someone is picking on you because you are Chinese or Asian, you let them know you don’t like it. If they persist and continue to become aggressive, you put that kid in his place.” You will win some and lose some in school yard fights, but you will learn a valuable lesson. Kids respect other kids that fight back.
Then again, I don’t have kids. I’m just an uncle.
Good points, MM. Things are definitely different for kids than adults. I’m still a relatively new dad, so I’m still learning what those differences are.
Any you’re totally correct. You can avoid years of bullying with just one hard punch in the face. Knocking someone down could save everyone the time and hassle and collateral damage of constant bullying.
Even at the high school level, sometimes I think you have to throw an elbow. Even at that age, I think it’s a balancing act.
I truly believe that all power in this world comes from physical force whether it be social, economic, political, military, its all about physicality when you get down to it….
man…..i remember being 5 years old and getting into “fights” on the school playground. And i remember wishing when i was around 6 or 7 that i wished i had known how to physically fight when i was 3 or 4 years old……lol, the life of an O.G
I dont have kids now, but when i do the first thing ill be teaching them is how to street fight,maybe some BJJ and street boxing, probably when they turn 2 or 3 years old. I’ll also socialise them with other children-take them to daycare and all that, but i’ll definately be teaching them how to fight physically (as a last resort) by the time they reach 3 years old.
That way they can defend themselves if they are attacked….and they will be attacked, so they will be prepared….
But the most important thing ill teach them is that they can always trust me to support them and back them up financially, legally in anyway if schoolyard fistfights get out of hand, or just avoid it by doing business quietly……..
Byron,
As a fellow parent, I think you are approaching the situation well. I have an almost 4 year old little girl, and my wife and I always teach compromise and trying to get along with other children. That said, I fully intend to get her involved with the martial arts in the next year or so.
It’s my opinion that it’s important for kids to learn that there are solutions to problems that don’t involve violence, and that those solutions should always be tried first (hence why I think your approach is strong so far – he’s still very young!) However, I think that it’s also important that they know how to defend themselves when those solutions don’t work out.
@ anna
“the life of an (3 or 4 year old) O.G” Thanks for the wonderful visual! it gave me a laugh!
Hey Guys,
I just realized that we never did this podcast! Maybe we should, especially since we saw so much from that bullying case in Canada.
Anna,
2-3 years old? That is hardcore militant! Well, we do try to teach my son to stand up for himself, even though he’s got his best friend (aka “Juggernaut”) on his side.
Robert,
I had no idea you had a daughter. Congrats! We ought to do some kind of podcast on parenting in the future. We’ve got one on gender this weekend, an interview with a writer the following week (whose “identity” right now is “secret”…hint, hint…), and I was thinking of maybe opening it up to the Asian American Stunt People soon after that. But down the road, we should do it.
Hey, Its secret asian man! is it secret asian man? its secret asian man isnt it?? i bet it is!
So many secretive Asian people. No, it’s not S.A.M. My guest is one of many who have “Secret Identities,” (hint, hint) although I may actually announce him before the interview, just so you all have a chance to ask questions.
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